Episode 7: Being on Tour

Dear rams, I mean fans, and best friends

I have been doing my world tour for the last three monks, which means I have not been able to do any writing about myself other than my new rap lyrics because I have been very busy doing a tour and writing new rap lyrics. But now I am here at my slaptop writing a new episode of my life because I have a little bit of time between whores. I call my laptop a slaptop now because Raymond says it is quite a street way of doing things and also when you close it it makes a bit of a slap sound.

I just read that I wrote whores but I meant to write shores because I will so be going across the ocean again to another country. Gary Moray organises all of that though because he is my manager now. It probably will be North Korea, where a girl called Kimberley has recently died and I will rap about her funeral. It might be a bit sad, but no one will see me crying because I can't make tears after the magical magic that made me into Tinie Tempura.

I wanted to share some of my latest tour photographs with you so I hope that is okay. Here is the first one:

This is me with Mary Shoppings. She is in a film called Mary Goes Shopping. I am also in the picture with my friend Simon the Crocodiles. She is a crocodile from Pennsylvania and is does my tour coustimes for me which is what I dress up in during my shows when I get shows.

Here is another one:

This is me with Spiders Man and Gary Moray and Bernard the King. Bernard is the king and also an octopus, which means he has some legs.

This is my friend Wolverines from Wolverines 1.

Here I was in the club getting a little bit tipsy and having some mini crack.

This is a bird with what I did a bit of sex I mean hex. She was a big fan of Harry Plopper.

And this is the last picture of my tours so far and it is of me cooling out over in West Vagina.

I am in a bit of a rush now because I think Raymond is dying. As you know, he is a handicapable wasp with a blind in one eye. I do not want Raymond to die because he is my best friend in the world, even more than Gary Moray and all of you, even though you are actually all best friends of mine too. So please could you all send money to me to make Raymond better. He likes eating the papery money to make nests with. If you don't send at least sisty fix pounds then he will probably be dead. I think this is a Christmas appeal. Gary Moray said that often rappers make Christmas appeals to help people in need like orphans and disabled wasps to get money to pay for their wonderful lifestyles. So please help my friend Raymond.

The End.

Love Tinie Tempura xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Episode 6: Making the Big Time

Dear fans

Hi. It is me, Tinie Tempura. Don't pretend that you have forgotten me, because that would be silly now that I am a major crap, I mean rap star! Did you see me nearly winning the Mercury Reward? That was a very special time and goes some way to explaining why I have not written any new episodes of my life lately.

For those of you which don't know, the Mercury Reward is a special reward for being a really good rapper and also because good at the periodic table, which is what the Mercury Reward means. I have been really busy trying to be really good at rapping so that I could win but I did not win which was sad but I am okay and will just try very hard again next year to win the Mercury Reward and be the best raper in the world. I mean rapper.

Besides being really busy do the thing I have said above, which were being busy trying to be really good at rapping so that I could win but I did not win which was sad but I am okay and will just try very hard again next year to win the Mercury Reward and be the best rapper in the world, I have also done about 10000 wees and a few little bits of other toilet things too. Also, me and Raymond - remember Raymond? He is my disabled wasp housemate who cooks me delicious meals like pears in syrup and sliced cheese. He looks like this:

I do not know where is the special camera that I usually use to photograph Raymond has gone, so this is an amateur photograph of him. Amateur means shit, which means poo poo. I think I have misplaced my special camera in my moving hices. I moved hices because I am now getting a bit more rich. Raymod I mean Raymond came with me because otherwise I would starve and probably be lonely. I have some more moany now because Gary Moray gave me a product to sell and when I sell it people give me money. The product is white and looks like flour, which is something you can make bread or glue from, but the product doesn't taste like flour, even though flour tastes of plain, and if you eat a little bit, you go fast.

Because I have some more money as well I have been able to exbland my rap merchandise. There in m=now a Tinie Tempura doll that you can buy and it looks just like me because I am Tinie Tempura, the famous rap star. Here is a picture:

If you would like to buy one, then you can do that. You just have to get in touch with me, become my best friend and lifelong fan and then give me 61 euros. I can accept Visas if it is made from food, because then I could eat it instead of using money to buy food.

Loves of Love I mean Lots of Love

TINIE xxxx

Episode Five: Scouting for Girls

Hello Evry I mean Everybody!

It is me, Tinie T #newraplyrics <<< this is something I often do on my Titty page. I write a new rhyme or observation and then I say it is a new rap lyrics. Gary Moray has been telling me that this is what most famous rappers do when they are writing good raps. They watch the world and then write something about what they have been watching in the world for them to write about. And then they get lots of money and squeezes. A squeeze in an owned woman. I have been asking lots of Twitty girls to become my owned woman, but as yet I am still a single.

I am very very very very very very very veyr veyr eyvr veyr very sorry that I have not written a new episode of my life in so long. I have just been very busy with my celebrity lifestyle, which is what I need to work on if I am going to be a famous rapper. But now I am writing a new episode so you do not need to cry any more because I am writing a new episode. Currently though, I am having a sandwich. Raymond says that when I get a squeeze, it will be her job to make me sandwiches and also clean up after my poos. I made this sandwish myself though because I am learning to do cooking.

If I learn a bit more cooking I will be able to go on a telly programme with Gordfrey Ramsey and be a celebrity guest who says they do not want to eat mackerels. I will eat mackerels though because they are juicy. Gordfrey Ramsey is brothers and sisters with the Ramseys who live on Neighbours. Here is a photograph.

I could only get a photo of the man Ramsey because the others were too flighty.

Lots of Love

Tinie Tempura xxxxxxxxxxx

Episode Four: Building a Rep(utation)

Yo!

Raymond says I ought to start using words like 'yo' and 'penis' and 'holla' and 'negro', which mean 'hello' and 'penis' and 'hello/talk to me' and 'black person'. He says this way, people will take me more seriously as a rapper because this is how rappers speak to one another and their fans and best friends.

He also said I should wish people peace, even if I'm talking about using a gun. I do not have a gun though, because Raymond said I'm not allowed. He did give me a pocket torch though, so that I can find my keys easily. I sometimes have trouble finding my keys because my eyes are a little bit borken. I mean broken.

Raymond also said that I need to start networking. He was pleased that I made best friends with Gary Moray, because Gary Moray is so good at being famous and also at talking to celebrities, which is what I want to be, except for I want to do raps and not just show my vagina. Raymond says this is how most celebrities become a celebrity these days. I do not know what a vagina is, but I will do my best not to show mine to anybody.

Anyway, Raymond got me a Twitty. Raymond told me to say things on my Twitty to do with the important work I am doing to do with rapping. This way, people can be my best friend in another way! My name is Tinie_Tempura, because my name is Tinie Tempura, except without the little black line in between each word.

I think Raymond will get a Twitty soon because he is looking for a special woman to be friends with. Raymond says she will be a 'bitch', which I think is nice because I do not want Raymond to be lonely when I am doing rapping.

Lots of Love and also Peace from


Tinie Tempura/Tinie_Tempura, but only put the little black line between each word on Twitty because I do not like it otherwise.

Episode Three: Making a new Friend

Hello

Today I am going to write a thing about my new friend by writing about my new friend. He is a fox and his name is Gary Moray.

Gary Moray is already quite a famous fox because he does business with a lot of celebrities and is also a dandy as you may be able to see from the paisley neck tie he is wearing in the photograph I took of him while we were in the park just yesterday. Gary Moray also has a theme tune, which he uses when he makes special appearances on telly programmes like This Morning with Richard and Judy and also Rent-a-Ghost.

Gary Moray has said that I am going to be allowed to rap along to his theme tune when they make it into a CD. I will not be on the proper song, but on the B-side, which means BEST side and is what happens when you turn the CD over and play it that way. I have been practicing a lot for when we go to the recording studio. Gary Moray says we may even meet celebrities like Kelly Osbournes, and that's something I've always wanted to do because she is good at doing accents and also because her two pointy teeth look like a kitten's teeth.

This is a picture of a kitten in comparison with Kelly Osbournes, so that you can see how their teeth look:

Today, Gary Moray is trying to get me a gig. A gig is when there is an old-fashioned taxi that is pulled by one horse or two hice. I know that because Raymond told me. When I get my gig, I will ask Raymond to come in it with me, because he is my first best friend.

Lots of Love

Tinie Tempura

Episode 2: Being Born

Hiya!

Since I became a famous rapper and people read my story about travelling to LongDong and meeting my new friend Raymond and eating a breakfast and also having a few poos and writing some new raps and saying hello to many people I met in the street, some people seem to not know what I am. By the way, I did not include doing a few poos, writing some new raps or saying hello to many people I met in the street in my last episode, because those things happened to me after I wrote my last episode. But now I have said them and so people will know.

This episode is all about the time I was born, because as I said, some people do not seem to know what I am, which made me a bit sad. But it is okay, because I can explain, but then after that I will just be Tinie Tempura and a famous rapper.

I was born in the sea and was a shrimp.

I had many brothers and sister and we were all best friends. We mostly spent our days floating in the water a bit and also eating green plants. We didn't know any music, or arms, or London, or wasps, or bacons, or carpets, or photographers such as David LaChapelle.

One day, a large thing came down into the water and scooped us up. I have since found out from Raymond that this is called a net. I was happy in the net because I was very close to my brothers and sisters and we were hugging one another very tightly.

Then we were plunged into darkness and it was very cold. During that time I can't remember much, because it was so cold. But I remember being very excited! I got so excited that I weed a little bit and then fell asleep.

I woke up when it became very light again. We were in a very white room and there was a giant octopus heading straight for me, but the octopus only had five legs and was the same colour as me. Two of the legs grasped me around the waist and flew me up into the sky. It felt like a rollercoaster! I have been on a rollercoaster now, because Raymond took me to Thorpe Park. He didn't go on any rides on account of his disability, but he stood and watched me and I waved at him.

The octopus dropped me into a big bowl that had a thick water in it, but more grainy and cream coloured than water. Then the octopus picked me up again and then that's when things became really sad for me.

I think the octopus made a mistake, because it dropped me into a new sea, but it wasn't like my old sea because it was very very very very very very very hot and bubbly and it made me squeal and cry quite a lot and I was scared. But between my squeals for help, I heard a most wonderful sound. I now know that it was rap music. And then I was crying tears of joy instead of sad.

When I got out of the hot sea, I was me and could now walk instead of swim and then I waved to my brothers and sisters and then I thanked the octopus, who turned out to be a human hand and then I left and found a house and then decided to be a rapper and then walked to London, which I now call LongDong. And it was all really good and for the best.

The End.

Lots of Love, Tinie Tempura

PS, I have glasses on because the hot sea was really hot and burnt two of my eyeballs. But I am okay.

Episode 1: London

Hello, I am Tinie Tempura.

I’d like to tell you a story about myself.

Recently I travelled to London, to make my fortune as a world-renowned rapper. With me, I took my suitcase on wheels filled with three pairs of tiny shoes, my hopes and dreams, a toffee apple, a can of cola and one of lemonade too.

I walked and walked for miles and miles and miles and miles, then I rested at a Little Chef and had one of the little breakfasts, which has only one tomato and one bacon, but I asked to swap the fried egg for another bacon because I dislike fried eggs when comparing them with a bacon. Then I got up again and walked and walked for miles and miles and miles. 

Then I got to London. I knew I had arrived in London because the streets were paved with gold and breathing was a bit more difficult. There were many people there, all of different ethnicities and weights, but all being best friends with one another. 

I found a houseshare to share. I am now living with a wasp called Raymond. This is not very dangerous, because Raymond is disabled. He has no lower half and a cataract in one eye

Raymond is very good at giving advice and he cooks me my tea because I only know how to cook toast. Raymond says toast isn’t enough to eat when you’re going to be a world renowned rapper like me.

I am very glad to be here in Longdong, which is what Raymond said I should call it, to go with my new famous rapper persona. When I settle in a bit and am settled, I will start becoming a rapper.

Lots of love from

Tinie Tempura

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